What should i do about this big problem i have ?

I am not sure where to start , but hear it goes ! I have known this guy for 37 years & we lived our own lives up until 17 months ago when i moved in with him . things were Great for the first 4 months ! After that things started to get rocky , we started arguing a lot about his kids & my kids along with many other things . His wife died & i felt he has never let go of her . about 4 months ago i moved out , but he wanted to stay friends & at first i was not ok with that because i still have very strong feelings for him , so we kept talking (or arguing) through texts . I have such strong feelings for him even to this day . So anyway we talked about being friends with benefits , one minute he was ok with it then when things would start going good for us , he would then tell me the FWB was not a good idea ! So then he would rip my heart out once again ! He told me a while back that he was shallow ( he thought i was a big women ) & he just don't think he can get ped that . but after i moved out & found an apartment he would come stay a night or 2 & we had a great time , laughed , had great & talked about us . Then he turns around to say we are not good as a couple ! One of his ex-girlfriends moved in with us & one lives right next door to him . Both are bigger women than i am & they have no interested in him they say , but the one that lives with him tries to run his life still ! so yesterday he said it all Again that we were not right for each other , after last week when he stayed for 2 nights ! Well i got very angry & was very very hurt ! I said a lot of mean & hateful & hurtful things to him ! what is bad is that i still think i want him back . But he said he don't want to change the way he is , but i have been going to counseling to try to change my ways for him & now i think it is a waste of time even though i am very depressed over all of this & all i want to do is cry & lash out at him ! Please i need your opinions ! Please tell me what you think i should do ! Thank you to every one that responds to all of this !